Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why me? Why me?
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This was the mantra that I kept on repeating to myself when I took the Board Exam for Nurses last November 2009. And I’m sure this was a thought repeated by many others last December 19 and 20. Even the strongest of will can crack when placed under this amount of pressure. We all just want to get it over with and put it all behind us like some bad dream. Yet when it’s all over, you can’t quite grasp the feeling of relief you hoped to feel. Let me walk you through my experience of the emotional roller coaster that was the board exam.
Pre-Board Jitters
Yes, I sat through a lot of review classes and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning reviewing my notes. Yes, I attended group studies and spent a lot of time (and money) studying in cafes just so I won’t “accidentally” fall asleep while studying in my bedroom. Yes, I visited 7 churches and prayed on my knees to the Higher Beings to help me pass the exams. And yes, I went out of my way to be extra kind and helpful to get extra points from He-Who-Controls-The-Universe. But none, and I mean none, can really prepare me for what’s to come. The anxiety that seems to eat me up as the day gets nearer. The guilty feeling I get everytime I take a break and relax for a bit. The stress in trying to cram four years worth of lessons into 2 short months. And of course, the thought that keeps on popping in my head and catches me by surprise: “What if I don’t pass?” The hardest point was the night before the exam where I wanted to have last-minute reviews but I can’t coz people told me it’s-not-a-good-idea-to-cram and I think they’re probably right but another part of my brain thinks "what-if-the-part-I-review-tonight-comes-up-in-the-exam-tomorrow-and-I-won’t-get-it-coz-I-didn’t-open-my-notes" and I start sweating and shaking and puking and I think I must be going crazy. Oh wait, I AM crazy for even taking this course in the first place. So there.
It All Comes Down to This
On the first day of the board exam my roommates and I woke up very early and we headed out to our delegated exam areas. As nervous as I was, I still imagined myself being one of the 10 top notchers. That was one of my motivations as my first answer sheet and exam booklet was handed to me. The exam was not easy. At all. There were times when I actually wanted to cry in the middle of it. As the day progressed and I finished the last exam for that day all thoughts of being a top notcher fled and the only thought left was “Please just let me pass”. I felt so weak and heartbroken. When I went back to our hotel my roommates were there and we burst into tears. It seems funny now, but back then we felt hopeless to the point that we considered not showing up the next day. We were sure we won’t pass anyway. But we pushed ourselves and after we finished the remaining sets the next day we went out and got drunk and smashed. We were glad it was finally over.
The Longest Two Months of My Life
But alas, our relief was short-lived. We had no idea that waiting for the result was harder that preparing for and taking the exam. Every day we would talk and we did the biggest no-no in taking exams: we compared our answers with each other. We would drive each other crazy because there were a lot of instances where our answers and rationales differ from each other. I often concluded that I won’t make it. Other people would chide me for thinking such things but I knew in my heart that I failed. I was, after all, the one who took the exam. There were lots of crying, anger bursts, and periods of depression. I seemed like a totally different person.
It’s natural, to think you didn’t do your best and you could have done better. That you shouldn’t have watched that movie and the two hours you spent there could have made the difference. That you should have enrolled to that review center and not to this one. Others felt what you are feeling now, and others will feel it someday. But pass or no pass, you would feel that everything was worth it. Pass or no pass, you became a better person with strengths and weaknesses and you can surely take on whatever comes next. So when that result comes up in a few months, jump for joy or cry for a bit, and remember to breathe.
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